It is important to know: How and when to talk to a child about the death of a loved one

Living through pain after the loss of a loved one is something unfathomably difficult. In such life periods, adults are focused on their own grief. And because of the desire to protect their children from trauma, they often avoid the topic of death in conversations with them. Yevgeny Tychkovsky talks about how to properly talk to children about death.

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Yevhen Tychkovsky

Psychiatrist, trauma therapist

Why don't parents talk to their child about death?

Most often, adults are afraid, do not know what to say, suffer or deny the loss, and the child does not receive emotional support and information about what happened. Thus, the child thinks that his beloved kitty has just fallen asleep, and Grandma is "in heaven." But why didn't the cat wake up? Where is the sky and when will grandmother return?

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As you can see, such statements and avoidance of the topic of death do not allow children to cope with the fact of loss, live it and let it go. Despite the sincere intentions of adults, hiding the fact of loss prevents children from understanding the situation, forces them to look for their own explanations, and forms a huge fear that can cause serious problems.

How do children understand death?

Most children experience death with the same intensity as adults, but the presence of knowledge about the loss is more pronounced than in adults, softening the grieving process. In the period up to the second year of life, the child does not yet understand death and feels sympathy for the emotional state of the parents, especially the mother. At this time, it is important to constantly take care of the child and meet his needs.

From two to five years, the concept of death begins to be understood by the child. At the age of five, the baby knows the difference between dead and living faces. Often, such children look for a cause-and-effect relationship between their behavior, thoughts and words and the death of a relative: "Did grandma die because I was disobedient?"

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They often feel sad, angry and anxious, often filled with fear of death or the loss of other loved ones: "Mom, will I die too? And you? And Matveychyk?"

Children may be troubled by nightmares, loss of appetite, urinary incontinence or various diseases, as a way of expressing emotions that the child cannot name. During the funeral and after it, the child can start playing: they will pretend to be dead, cry over the grave, cover the pit with earth and repeat the actions of adults during the funeral. Thus, through the game, children experience difficult emotions associated with the death of significant people.

Adequate help at this age will give as much attention as the child needs. In accordance with the child's cognitive abilities to perceive information, it is important to clarify and answer all questions. Children do not need to forbid joy and fun with their peers.

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At the age of 6-8, the child begins to understand the irreversibility and causality of death. From the age of 7, he realizes that death is inevitable, that is, all living things must die at some point. And already at the age of 8, a child knows that a dead person loses the ability to feel pain. The circle of emotions during this period of grief is much wider. Children can experience sadness, regret, loneliness, anxiety, guilt, fear and anger, and their experience becomes more and more similar to the experience of emotions. At this age, children may try to hide their emotions, for example, cry alone, or vice versa - seek increased attention from adults. Some children can also have aggressive behavior, which is often the result of experiencing difficult emotions.

Also, during this period, children are much more interested in all rituals, funeral rites and details of the biological aspects of death, and they can ask many questions on these topics. To help children in this difficult time, parents should answer questions frankly and patiently, allow the child to be part of mourning rituals, show various emotions in daily activities, games with peers.

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Of course, children will react differently to the death of loved ones. Sometimes a child, despite the fact that he should already have an understanding of death, does not recognize it. It also happens that a child can blame himself for the death of his loved ones. The reason for this is the child's self-centeredness, which forces the child to put himself at the center of the world. Older children who have lost their parents (guardians) worry: who will take care of them, they are afraid that they will not be sent to a boarding school

How to behave?

Sometimes, it may seem that children do not experience loss the way adults imagine it. Perhaps they can cry during the game, or be sad, and after a moment laugh and play with friends. This is because children, especially small ones, do not fully understand the consequences of the irreversible loss of a loved one. Adults need to recognize that a child's play world is a necessity to explore the environment. Such behavior of the child is so necessary and important to him that it distances him from the difficult situation of separation, it is not proof of his indifference or ingratitude. Accusing the child of playing during mourning is baseless, and sometimes harmful!

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