The child does not obey: what is behind “I do not want” and “I will not”

Parents often complain: the child does not obey, regularly uses the phrases "I don't want" and "I won't." But instead of perceiving these words as a challenge, it is worth seeing something more important behind them - an emotion, a need, a cry for help or an attempt to assert oneself. In this article, we will analyze what child resistance really means and how parents can act to maintain contact with their child.

What does “I don’t want” and “I won’t” mean: briefly about the deep

A child's refusal is not always about bad behavior. Often it is a signal that parents have not deciphered.

“I don’t want to” can mean:

• I am tired/tired
• I am scared or anxious.
• I don't understand what they want from me.
• I want to decide for myself.

“I won’t” — often:

• protest against pressure
• an attempt to set boundaries
• reaction to loss of control

Children's language has few words, but many emotions. And "I will not"" is often the only thing a child can say when they can't cope with their feelings.

Why doesn't a child listen? And why is it not about stubbornness, but about personality development?

Parents want their child to “obey,” that is, to follow adult instructions without resistance. But at a certain age (especially ages 2–4 and 6–7), resistance is the norm.

At 2–4 years old The “I” is formed - the child tests boundaries and learns to defend his own opinion.
At 6–7 years old — transition to school age, new rules, increasing internal tension.

When a child disobeys, it is their way of saying, “I exist. I am important. Hear me.”

Source: freepik

What stands for “I don’t want” and “I won’t”: typical situations

1. Fatigue and overload
   A child says "I don't want to go for a walk" because they haven't had enough sleep, not because they're lazy.

2. The need for control
   When everything is decided for the child (what to wear, when to eat, what to play with), resistance becomes the only way to have at least some control.

3. The fight for attention
   “I won't eat porridge” may not be about food, but about the fact that the child lacks mother's participation, gaze, and hugs.

4. An unclear task
   Adults often forget to explain: “get your act together” — what exactly does it mean? For a child, the phrase may mean nothing. He doesn’t listen because he doesn’t understand.

How to deal with it: 6 effective tips for parents

1. Validate feelings, don't deny them.
   Instead of: “Don’t be naughty”
   Better: “Don’t you feel like getting dressed right now? I understand.”

2. Offer a choice
   Not: “Get dressed now!”
   A: “Do you want to put on socks or a T-shirt first?”

3. Explain clearly and concisely
   It is difficult for a child to understand many words. Speak specifically: “We are leaving in 5 minutes. Get your shoes ready.”

4. Follow a routine
   If the situation is repetitive (e.g., “I won’t brush my teeth”), consistency helps. Same thing at the same time = less resistance.

5. Do not compete for power
   When you start a fight over who is more important, you lose the connection. The one who remains calm wins.

6. Be an example
   If you constantly yell and then demand “obedience,” your child won’t hear you. He or she will copy, not listen.

Source: freepik

When “not obeying” is something more: a signal to action

If a child constantly refuses, is aggressive, withdraws into himself, or his behavior has changed dramatically, it is worth contacting a specialist.

Psychological triggers may be related to:

• the birth of a younger child
• family tension
• bullying or fears
• moving, new kindergarten

When a child does not listen, it is important not to focus only on external behavior. Behind the resistance is an emotion, a need, a search for boundaries. The parent's task is not to suppress the reaction, but to understand it. If we learn to see something more behind the words "I don't want" and "I won't" - we will maintain trust, a deep connection and build a relationship in which the child will feel heard and accepted.